At a class reunion a few years ago, an old friend of mine admitted that she had been uncomfortable around me after I became Deaf because she didn’t know if we could still communicate, and if we did, she was afraid that she might offend me by saying the wrong thing. I asked her what she meant and she further explained.
“I know some people don’t like the word handicapped and I don’t think of you in that way. But, well… you can sort of read my lips, but you can’t hear me anymore. So, what do I call you? I mean… do you prefer to be called disabled or hearing impaired or what?”
I raised an eyebrow and smiled half way.
“Oh shoot! See? I’m already goofing up! I don’t want to offend you so what do I call you now?”
I took a breath and looked compassionately at my friend as she struggled to figure me out. I had once felt the same struggle to figure out just who was after I had become Deaf at 17. It had taken me many years to arrive at the place of self-acceptance, the place where I could claim my “Deaf” identity with joy, pride and passion. I understood her anxiety and her struggle.
Still, I knew that what was important was that she respected me as a person first, a friend, and not look at me with any perceived impairment, disability or handicap. Like other Deafies, I abhor those labels. While thinking about how to respond to her, I remembered the movie, “I am Sam.” (Dir. Jessie Nelson. New Line Cinema, 2001)
In the movie “I am Sam”, the main character, Sam, (Portrayed by Sean Penn) is an adult man with a developmental disability who is fighting for the right to parent his own daughter. In the beginning, an insensitive attorney says to Sam:
“I need that list of names from you—people who can testify that you’re a good father despite your handicap. I didn’t mean your handicap, I meant your disability. [shakes her head] The fact that you’re retarded. That’s not the right word. [exasperated] I don’t know what to call you!
To which Sam replies: Sam. You can call me Sam.
Like this Lawyer, my friend was struggling to find the appropriate terminology to use when referring to me. I gave her credit for at least asking me what term I preferred.
“How about just calling me your friend, LaRonda,” I suggested. “And, if you need a term to define me, then just call me Deaf.”
I understood that my friend was searching for the most widely-accepted terminology and trying to avoid potentially offensive labels. The problem today is that many people, especially in our Deaf World, prefer different terms. Some folks get very upset about certain terminology, while others simply don’t care.
Equally, some people get very upset about accessibility barriers and lash out at those responsible while others are very patient, appreciative and supportive of people and organizations that are trying to fix or remove those barriers. Some folks like to educate people about accessibility issues and really appreciate the opportunity to talk about what it means to be Deaf, hard of hearing, late-deafened, deaf-blind, use a Cochlear Implant, or have a hearing loss, while others simply prefer not to bring it up at all.
I believe my friend, like many other hearing people, meant well, even though her labels and incorrect assumptions stung. I’m glad she invited me to clear up those assumptions and false stereotypes.
Even us Deafies need to remember that other people who are d/Deaf have different preferences in how they define themselves. Just because one person prefers to be identified one way doesn’t mean that another person will also prefer to be labeled in that way.
Common sense would say it’s safe to use “people-first” language when referring to d/Deaf folks. People-first language means putting the person first and being d/Deaf second. Yet, for those of us who identify ourselves as culturally Deaf, to be Deaf is our identity and we are Deaf first and foremost.
I guess, when unsure, it is wisest to ask the person directly what terminology he or she prefers. And, when we are asked, we must be compassionate with the asker, as well as clear.
“I’m Deaf,” I said again to my friend.I love being Deaf. You don’t have to dance around the word by using what you think is a more politically correct term such as “hearing impaired” or “disabled.” Those words are actually less accurate and more annoying. I’m am LaRonda and I am Deaf. Just call me “Deaf.”
Good blog, Laronda… I agree with u, I guess we just have to educate some hearing ppl, just call us deaf… and we are still us.
Left by Rita on July 1st, 2008
Beautifully said.
Left by Karen Putz / DeafMom on July 1st, 2008
Very interesting! Nice one and very good example to others.
Left by Steve on July 1st, 2008
and what do you call me?
very nice post. We need to talk more positively, look at the good things and share them with others.
Left by Joey Baer on July 1st, 2008
beautiful as always!
Left by Ella Lentz on July 1st, 2008
Thank you all for your uplifting comments. I am inspired to blog and vlog more with your kind thoughts. Now, if I can just find the time….. sigh.
I agree with you, Joey. We need to find the positive elements of life and speak out more openly on what is working rather than what is broken. Good point. And what do I call you,Joey?
I call you “Amazing.”
Hugs.
~ LaRonda
Left by LaRonda on July 1st, 2008
Wonderful blog!
Although, I do admit that I do cringe when people call me handicap and at times disability.
I just like things very simple, Deaf is a very simple word without any complex to it. Just one word, Deaf, suits me just perfect may not suit others perfectly.
I am just grateful that your friend took the time to ask you, just wish that more people would take the time to do the same.
Again, wonderful blog!
Left by Kelly on July 1st, 2008
Hm. I don’t know if I ever thought about this … It never occurred to me that I had to “call” a deaf person anything in particular. You just start gabbing about what books you read and let’s go get ice cream and how’s your dog and it sort of goes from there.
I’m not sure if that’s putting the “problem” in its proper perspective, or avoiding it, or my having the hearing person’s luxury of avoiding it, or not dealing with it, or what. But given the number of things one can talk about with a friend, that’s one of many, I think.
Left by Janis on July 1st, 2008
Such a nice job telling the story with photos and movie references! (I may just have to rent i am sam now.)
I encounter the same stumbling whenever people try to talk about what I do for a living (I’m an interpreter for the deaf). People say, “So you interpret for the hearing challenged… people who can’t hear… hearing impaired.” “They just call themselves Deaf,” I say, “or hard of hearing.” It’s nice that people want to be respectful; it’s just sad for me each time because I see how few people really ever encounter deaf or hard of hearing people or know how to deal with them. And it’s fascinating to see how people became “educated” (one might say “brainwashed”) to call deaf people hearing impaired… and by whom? Mostly hearing people, I’d guess. Oh well. To quote a pithy phrase: each one teach one.
Left by Daniel Greene on July 2nd, 2008
I agree with Ella….Beautiful as always
Left by Deb Ann on July 2nd, 2008
I saw that movie “I am Sam” a few years ago, the first time I saw it, it was ok but I tried to watch it a second time and it bored the hell out of me. eh, oh well.
Anyways I am hoh and until I lose my hearing, I will be hoh until then. If you are deaf then you’re deaf, if you’re hoh, you’re hoh - I don’t see why people such a big deal just over all of these categories and labels. All of these labels only exist because it does not go alone with what is perceived to be as “normal”. It doesn’t matter to me what you are because you to me you will always be a person first. Fuck it, I rather be a freak then normal, freaks lead interesting lives lol.
I was born hoh and it took me time to accept it and move on from it, to the point where I can say “Yes, I am hoh and I’m proud of it, if you have a problem with me being hoh then you should get over it because nothing you do will ever change it!”
aww Ronda, your blogs speak to my heart!
Left by Roberto on July 2nd, 2008
You still never cease to amaze me how much we are alike.. Things you have said and done.. I went thru the same thing.. I even can smile about it.. If the hearing person always try to be so political correction. It makes me smile cuz it shows they are struggling as I was thru that phase of “Who I am”.. I just reassure them that I am DEAF. I have accept it as part of who I am.
Left by Fairlady on July 2nd, 2008
I agree with the others… beautifully said, indeed.
I have encountered similar situations, as I am sure many of us have. It amazes me to what depths hearing people will go to to try and avoid using the word “Deaf” as if they think it’s a dirty four letter word or something… or at the very least, politically incorrect.
Education with compassion is the key. While it gets frustrating at times to continuously have to get the same message out again and again (and yet again!), I do believe many of these folks mean well…
they simply don’t know any better.
Left by Ocean on July 7th, 2008
well put together thanks! I have been struggling with same problem i have full hearing and wanted to interact more with deaf people. I am trying to learn BSL and have currently got the basic’s. Although didn’t want to cause offence was alternating between “hearing impaired and “Non hearing”.
Thanks alot great site.
Gary.
Left by Gary on September 28th, 2008