I seem to becoming more anti-social in my cochlear hearing world.
The ever fluctuating comprehension levels that dog the sound that is fired at my cerebral areas has made me even more apprehensive about engaging in conversation with people.
Janet voice is received at the highest level of comprehension. I suspect because I spend the most time listening to her. So my brain spends a great deal of time using her voice as it's training in learning a new hearing method.
Problem is, when a stranger enters my world, the level drops substantially. I say "pardon me" a hell of a lot more.
What this of course does, is make one shy away from social scenes where people gather for the purpose of "chatting". The other night at my sons graduation affair, I kind of hung around the perimeters of groups, hoping that no one would enter my private space for a "hi, how are ya".
It got me thinking that perhaps I should be making greater attempts at comprehension of new voices. It is just so damn hard and I would think after the rule of three (1.excuse me? 2. Pardon me, I didn't get it yet . 3. One more time?) that I become just a sheer annoyance.
So I hang, smile, and when it appears on my radar that I am being approached, I panic, and look for Janet.
Janet is my translator that I am so dependent on. When asked something by a new voice, I turn to have Janet ask the same question in a voice in which I am comfortably accustomed to.
I have to rid this crutch of constantly depending on her.
They only way to "get it" is to keep trying.
One day I want to turn of the closed captioning, and just try, damn it, to hear the words without reading them at the same time.
I know it can be done, I just need to do it!
I have been relatively shy all my life. My son is the same. We have only a few friends. Loyal, great and strong, we keep them as long as they allow.
New people has always been something I take forever to let in.
Not looking, not interviewing, not accepting any resumes for the "friend" position. I have one best friend, and he keeps in touch at least weekly, if not daily, by email. He has been my best friend for thirty years. We met in our last year of high school, and have not lost touch since.
I, fear that in my cochlear implant challenged world, that I will shy away from people, telephones, televisions, music, and even driving some days, much more than I should. I need to break the issues down, and become less conspicuous of the magnet on my head. I feel like people are staring until I give them a glance, and they quickly look away.
I need to become "who gives a shit about what this looks like".
My hearing will get better when I start to become independent of the good opinion of others.
The harder I work on my physical self, makes me want to start a program of my self self. I need to drop the crutches of searching for Janet to translate. I need to take steps to seek out people and engage in conversation.
If I "beg their pardon" twenty times, so what?
At least they will never forget me.
I have so much to learn from Dan, my amazing 14 year old!
Do something amazing today to make the world better!
Warmly,
David
17 comments:
Perhaps you can approach the hearing world the same way you approach the blog world...with a great attitude, a confident way, a witty remark and a can do attitude. Plus, you really make those of us out her lucky enough to have you as a reader (and a commenter) feel pretty damn good about ourselves.
So what if you PARDON someone til the cows come home. You're a man on a hearing mission! That gives you a GET OUT OF PARDON JAIL FREE card for as long as you need!
Hallie :)
arezoo 'deafread' yahoo live chatroom she banned deaf worship. If allow on www.deafvideo.tv why banned from chatroom live? Mean is deafread live chat support slavery to sin.
I totally relate to this, David! I do the same thing with my husband right now (look to him to translate).
I have to attend a surprise birthday party for my mom on Saturday and I am DREADING it. Ugh. When my brother suggested doing this I was horrified. I can't really bow out of it entirely but I already warned him that I'm only staying for an hour or two.
I can lipread people I know well, just like you mentioned with Janet, but people I rarely see or have just met are harder. Since my brother and mom have seen how well I do when I lipread them, they assume I can do it with everyone. No matter how many times I tell them, they don't get that it's easier because I see them a lot and have been lipreading them my whole life!
My mom is convinced that the minute my CI's (if I ever get them, LOL) are turned on, I'll understand and comprehend everything like I've been "cured" of deafness. Every time I try to tell her it's not going to be like that, she insists that I'm different and catch on to things faster and that's how it will be for me. ARGH.
Truthfully, I'm shy too and I'm not sure how I'll do in social situations with CI's. For me it's not only the embarrassment of not understanding and having to ask for things to be repeated, but also social awkwardness and "What do I say to this person I barely know?" I don't think CI's will cure that for me! LOL
I'd love to see this subject updated as you 'practice', David...you are an inspiration to me!
~ Wendi
David,
I think it's natural for one spouse to compensate for another when there's a difficiency. My Old Goat has taken the reins a number of times in explaining to people that I can't breathe and have to leave. He's now an expert on explaining to smokers, people doused in perfume and clerks in retail stores that reek of cleaning products. "sorry, we have to go, she's having an asthma attack". During times of lung disfunction, it's easier for me to depend on him because he can breathe and talk at the same time! I imagine that it's a similar situation in relying on Janet for your hearing needs!
But I sense your wish for independence as well and I think you're possibly a little more sensitive about the hearing thing than you need to be. Most folks are inherently kind and would likely cut you all sorts of slack!
And I know what you mean about social activity. My goat is painfully shy and I am not super outgoing myself. But I am curious and I think that lends itself well to casual conversations. Even if you're not taking applications for new friends, you may stumble across one or two as a side effect of curious conversations!
BTW, I count myself as quite fortunate to have you as a virtual friend. Your posts constantly amaze me and make me think. Thanks for being such a delight!
When I met my husband's family for the first time I was in exactly that same position.
It was because I only spoke English and they only spoke French.
I depended on him to translate everything for me and if he wasn't around I just sat quietly in a corner hoping no one would approach.
So think of it as if you are learning a second language.
It takes time and a lot of patience (for both the speaker and the listener) but it can be done.
Bonne chance mon ami!
You have such life and joy to give! When you shy away, those around you miss out on the GIFT of you!
That said, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND! So, be gentle with yourself and proceed at a pace that works for you.
yeah to what everyone else said... I am extreamly blessed to have you in my blogging world and totally thrilled that you are not shy when typing... I sort of hope you dont come across people like me much cause I will ruin your shy bubble... I am the crazy nurse person who would have to bombard you with questions and touch and look at very closely your magnets and I would probably make you nuts in my efforts to understand "more better" as my cousin always says... I cracked her up when she had breast cancer because I was the nut who had to see and feel the bubble they implanted into her breast where they removed the tumor LOL...but heck how can I learn more about it if I cant ask and check it all out????
David one thing I have not seen anyone mention is to give your self time and give your self credit for all you have accomplished... you are like a baby in some ways relearning /learning a whole way of hearing... babies dont learn over night and neither will you perhaps because you did hear before makes it harder I can't begin to guess but... anyway that is my thought on the subject...
Hugs Laura
Wow! I am overwhelmed. I never reply to comments because I always assumed that no one ever goes back to check to see if their comments were noted. But I have to say a huge thank you to Hallie, Wendi, asthma girl,bearnaked, La La and Laura.
I count you all as my dear friends, I read you all daily, and look forward for your appearance in my comments. You all are amazing writers and have so much character!
Thank you from the bottom of my deaf heart!
Warmest hugs to you all.
David
Consider your request done.
I say keep on asking.
You should and if they can't deal it is there problem.
You know I am blind, but when I am near a large number of people I also have trouble, because I don't know unless the person is specific that they are talking to me.
And when I am by myself and ask a question like what metro stop is this. I have to usually ask at least three times before anyone will answer me. But it is better than getting off at the wrong stop.
Keep on communicating
Smiles!!!
David,
I really related to this. And you know what else? I even find it awkward for my husband Eric to translate because I know people are wondering why Eric has to repeat everything they say in English. He's so used to it, he often steps in automatically. Reminds me of an old Candid Camera clip where a guy acted as an "interpreter" between two people speaking the same language. It took them a few minutes before the two figured out they were both speaking English, as they both relied on the interpreter to "interpret" what the other was saying. In my case, I'm so familiar with his voice. New voices and lips scare me speechless, and I have become an introvert.
You are an amazing man--if you area half as witty and kind irl as on your blog, it's worth repeating something to be able to get your take on it.
"Do something amazing today to make the world better!"
((Hugs))
I think you deserve a pardon or two! Or three! And in time, it will come. You will one day have better comprehension. It will come.
I like bear naked's comparison to being with her french speaking in-laws.
Well, I must say....it's not every day you see a guy with a magnet stuck to his head, so you must understand those occasional stares. ;) And any compassionate human being will hopefully give you a little grace when it comes to speaking to you. Let's hope.
Thank you so much for your amazingly sweet comments on my last post. Your kind words meant a lot to me. Really.
David, this is teh first time I am brwosing through your blogs. Now I know why u have not been sharing so much about the improvements.
Please be pateint, and get yoru MAPing sorted. Do try out NRI (Neural Response Imaging) with your audi, and give it a shot with atleast two programs - one with 100% t-mike and another with 50-50 setting. Also, please remember to bend your t-mike more to the ear. And u will see a difference in yoru hearing. Someone so good and lively like u, deserves the best of hearing if God wills.
Zubair
Pardon me if I might step in as a CI connoisseur of sorts. It is very hard to push oneself with knowing that you might fail, at least to your standards. Anyone with a CI will tell you that it might take a couple of sentences or a quiet room to adapt to another persons voice, I am constantly thrown into that bubble here at work and there are times that I won't catch everything but its therapy.
The more voices you surround yourself by, the more your brain will accept the tiny lil nuances of speech other then your loving wife and your mini you of a son :)
Think of it as therapy, it will only get better with time David. It is hard to push yourself and step outside of the box but I encourage it! :)
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