A new term in the Deaf culture is 'Deafhood'. I have just recently discovered it myself, and was completely clueless as to what the meaning was. From my knowledge, the term 'Deafhood' comes from a book called 'Understanding Deaf Culture: In Search of Deafhood' which was written by Paddy Ladd. Ever since this book was published, the term has been spreading through the Deaf community. Once I discovered the term and read about it. I had to sit back and think to myself. What does Deafhood mean to me? In order to figure that out, i have to look back to my experiences while growing up.
As a child, I grew up in a hearing world most of the time. My entire family was hearing, with the exception of my grandma, who was hard of hearing. Although she did attend a Deaf school when she was a child, she can speak and lipread pretty well. I was very lucky to have a family who, while were hearing, encouraged and accepted sign language. I was raised using Signing Exact English (SEE2). I attended this preschool for the disabled which had a class for the Deaf. Then for kindergarten and grade one, I attended this small school that mixed hearing students with Deaf students in equal numbers and the hearing students knew how to sign. The teachers taught in SEE2. Most of the hearing children's parents were interpreters or Deaf. During this time, I began taking speech therapy at school. I don't recall too much about this except having to read Cinderella out loud with this huge microphone in my hand. However, my mom was very concerned about the quality of education I was receiving and decided to transfer me to a public school where I was the only Deaf student among a thousand hearing students or so.
At such a young age, I didn't think about how I was Deaf, or how it affected the people around me. I was Deaf. I was proud to be Deaf. I would tell people I did not want a cochlear implant because I loved being Deaf. I did not feel afraid about being at a school where I was the only Deaf student. I taught my classmates how to sign. Granted, I did receive some really silly questions, the infamous one would be where a classmate asked me through my interpreter "Do you know you have hiccups?", I simply answered "Yes . . . I feel the hiccups." I made friends very easily. The girls would flock around me, wanting to learn how to sign. The boys would be the difficult ones to befriend. I moved from school to school several times, and I was always the only Deaf student. I started to get tired of having to leave my class to do speech therapy, and decided to quit after grade three.
I did not really have any close Deaf friends until the summer of my fourth grade when I attended this ‘Hands-On' day camp for the Deaf. There, I met Anna [name is changed to protect her identity], a Deaf girl who was strongly fluent in ASL. At first we had a hard time understanding each other, but I slowly adapted to ASL. I recall so many nights where we'd have a sleep over and I would be enthralled by all the stories she would tell me in ASL. Anna attended a school that had a program for the Deaf and she would stay in a dorm during the weekdays and then fly back home during weekends. I would always run over to her house after school on Friday and spend the entire weekend with her. I discovered that her writing skills were so great and would often help her with homework and take the time to explain certain things to her. The mother would even ask me to go help Anna with homework. Anna was my first and only Deaf best friend.
As I entered my pre-teenage years. Ah yes, puberty, don't we all love that time of our lives! I started to rely on communication more than just playing with my classmates. It was then, when I started to notice the lack of communication I had with most of my friends. I had to rely on my hearing best friend to interpret for me. I started to feel isolated and lonely for the first time in my life. I felt different, which was something I never really experienced before. By then, Anna moved away, so I had no Deaf friends anymore. In my seventh grade, I decided that for next year, I wanted to attend the high school that had a program for the Deaf, which had about maybe fifty Deaf students or so. I begged, I cried, I demanded my mom to allow me to attend. It was a stretch as I would have to fly there every Sunday and back home every Friday. But she said yes!
Eighth grade was the experience of a lifetime. I stayed at a dorm for the Deaf and got to interact with more Deaf children than I ever had the opportunity to beforehand. I had my first short-lived Deaf boyfriend. I had several close Deaf friends. I had crushes on Deaf boys and flirted with them. I attended Deaf events where cute boys would ask me to dance with them. I got to really interact in group discussions/conversations for the first time in my life. However, I will note that at first a good number of the students could not understand me as I still was not very good at ASL. I still remember this one experience where I was telling a story about something, to two girls. One was nodding and the other looked confused and when I finished. The confused girl turned to the other girl and said "I didn't understand?" So the girl then translated what I said in fluent ASL. My ASL definitely improved but I don't think I ever became 100 percent fluent at all.
By the end of grade eight though, I got tired of flying back and forth, so I decided to transfer back to a local public school. Once again, I was the only Deaf student, and this time, things were a lot different. I was a teenager. You know teenagers, we all want to feel like we belong. I rebelled like most teenagers do, but usually there's a group for every type of teenagers, the popular kids, the jocks, the art kids, the band kids, the geeks, the druggies and so on. I had friends in a few of these circles but I never really felt like I was truly a part of any group as most of the people did not talk to me. They acknowledged me. They waved ‘hi' and ‘bye' to me. Maybe the occasional note. But mostly I spend time only talking to my best friend[s].
During this time, there was a lack of interpreters and in grade nine, I spent most of the year with several interpreters and when there was no interpreter, I had a note taker. There was even times when I had no note taker and I'd sit in the class and wonder why I was even there? What was the point? The worst thing was that the teachers did not seem to recognize that this was a problem, they still expected me to understand what was going on, even though I had very little lip reading skills. This year was very frustrating and I started to become prone to skipping school. My personality drastically changed. I started to feel embarrassed to be deaf. I would get anxious when my friends would say "Oh she's deaf" to strangers who would try to talk to me. I did not want to be seen as different. I wanted to be the same as my friends. I wanted to hear and speak, more than anything else. I'd feel more and more lost during group gatherings and so alienated to the point where I just gave up on socializing altogether.
I struggled with this feeling for years and still do to a small extent deep inside. The feeling that it was somehow a bad thing to be noticed as a deaf person. I knew it was not bad but I could not help but to feel embarrassed, and anxious around new people. I did not want to attract attention toward me at all. There were many times where I would stop signing when a person I did not know, stepped into the room, as I did not want them to notice me.
Fast-forward to when I was twenty-three years old, I finally met a Deaf girl that I knew for a while online. Through her, I also met a Deaf boy with a cochlear implant, who lived close by. I started to occasionally spend time with the two whenever the opportunity arose. Once again after a long time, I was able to be around Deaf people on a fairly regular basis. I forgot how much I enjoyed signing in ASL, granted, I know my ASL is quite flawed, it still felt amazing nonetheless. I remember a day where this girl and boy and I spent some time together and I was hit with this giddy feeling. I just felt so happy to be understood effortlessly, and to have a group conversation for once. It was like a wonderful drug.
Now I have moved away and once again do not have any local Deaf friends, but I hope that will change soon! However, I stay in touch with my Deaf friends on the internet. Then the Gallaudet protest started, and for the first time in a really long time, I felt an urge to get involved with the Deaf community. During the protest, I learned a lot of things about the Deaf community and the culture that I was just so painfully oblivious to. It is correct, when people say that the protest has truly united a great number of d/Deaf individuals, as I am one of these individuals who just floated around in this world with no strong connection to the Deaf culture and community. Right now, I feel like I am a part of the community, and have the urge to learn as much as I possibly can about the Deaf culture, and to finally become fluent in ASL.
Now, with all that said. My entire life story, really. I will go back to the term ‘Deafhood'. What does Deafhood mean to me? I like to think it is about each d/Deaf person's experience of growing, discovering, and accepting who they are, as a d/Deaf individual. It also is about accepting other d/Deaf people and realizing that we are all deaf with very diverse backgrounds. Some of us grew up oral, used SEE/SEE2/LOVE/CASE/etc, used ASL, or various other sign languages. Some of us came from a fully hearing family, or a family that has many generations of Deaf relatives. Some of us had full access to good education and some did not. Some of us have good writing skills and other do not. Some of us were born d/Deaf and some became d/Deaf later on in their lives. Some use deaf, and some of us use Deaf. Some of us choose to not get cochlear implants, and some do. We are of all different colors in this world, religious beliefs, sexual preferences, and gender identities. It is about acceptance, helping each other, and being united. We cannot judge or push/pull each other down because of their choices as a d/Deaf person, instead, we have to accept, support, and encourage the person to succeed. Only then, will we be truly united. Have I truly embraced my Deafhood? I think I still have some work to do, but one day I hope to be, once again, that little girl who fully embraced the fact that she was Deaf without question or shame.
---
Soon to come : Confessions of a Deaf Girl Who Had an Audistic Attitude
such as: judging others based on their English writing skills
11 rants:
fantastic story! thanks for sharing. I had a background much like yours, except i had more years at a deaf school than you did. i had public schools, as the only deaf person, all my life until 8th grade, when i entered florida school for the deaf. This is when i learned sign languae and became a part of the Deaf culture. my sign teacher was my classmate and best friend. Now, 25 years later, i just spent 2 months with the fellow who taught me sign language all thse years ago. that's what a deaf culture identity will give you. lifelong friends. I hope you find a way to imerse yourself into this culture, even leave TX if you have to. maybe go to Gallaudet? or move to Austin, where a large number of deaf people reside? do whatever it takes, and embrace your deaf identity! :-)
I have to say it'a wonderful storytelling on your insight of Deafhood. I enjoyed it very much. I look forward to read your future blogs.
Zoe,
While I enjoyed reading your story, it is typical. I've heard it before many times. However, what surprised me is you actually got tired of flying back and forth and gave up the deaf program and friends just because of that! It telles me being part of the deaf community was and still is not all that important to you. You are yet again away from deaf community and as adult, you don't seek to move and live in a deaf community as many would if they feel such bond or ties. You enjoy the easiness and fluency of ASL but it is not enough for you to want it to be your life and/or part of your identity. You were once proud to be deaf but as is common, you noticed how isloated you were among your teenage hearing friends and thas when you begun to hate your deafness and wished to speak and hear more than anything. Had you stayed with that deaf program, you probably wouldn't have felt that way. I think because of that phase when you felt isolated that you you remain confused today - just who are you? Do I really embrace ASL that much or do I just enjoy signing it sometimes? Because it is easier than trying to speak and lipread? But it is not really part of my identity or my life. That is what it appears to me - and typical too. I've seen many friends and classmates like you, forever confused, popping up in deaf functions and disappearing. This group is confused and always moving, always changing mind - like a ping pong machine. Because the mainstream society remain a powerful pull for this group - they still have strong desire to be part of their families, their hearing friends, coworkers at work and all that - a powerful need to be accepted by them which push them to keep away from accepting the deaf part of themselves so they tend to pop up and say hi and disappear. Very few could find strength to cut off that pull and accept their deaf identity and accepting that their hearing counterparts will possibly
"think less" of them and with time, they will not care anymore, and embrace those who accept their deaf identity, deaf or hearing - we DO have hearing members in our deaf communities - those who understad and embrace us.
Zoée,
I love your name. Is it a pen name?
You are a wonderful writer. I read every word of your essays today. They lifted my spirits.
Don't worry about trivialities, such as having perfect grammar, etc. Even professional writers aren't 100% happy sometimes. Everyone has room to grow in their writing skills.
The important thing is that you know how to move your readers with your heartfelt narrative and your ideas. You have what it takes.
Please consider pursuing your writing talent. It would be a shame not to pursue it further.
:)
Brian
Cyn,
Yes, i did choose to leave the deaf program, however i did keep the friends, and visited them as much as I could. However, i lived on an island, and my Deaf friends lived on mainland, so we were unable to visit all that often. I chose to leave the deaf program, because i did miss living with my family, and missed living "with no rules" lol. The dorm life was very different and had all sorts of rules that I just was not used to it. To this day though, i do regret my choice because I think things would have turned out a lot differently in some ways, that I won't bother getting into here.
Anyway, i didn't really appreciate you making assumptions about how I feel in general. ASL was never my first language, SEE was, and i do not even try to lip read or speak in order to communicate with anybody. Sign language in general, while not ASL, as that was not the language i communicated in most of the time, always and still is a HUGE part of who I am. It is the way i prefer to communicate. I view it was a breath-taking language and teach every friend of mine how to sign. My family are hearing and yes, i would never turn my back on them because I wanted to immerse into the Deaf world. They are my family and i believe my mother was a good mother, she encouraged sign language, and would constantly scold my sister if she chose to speak up at home instead of signing when I was around, which is more than i can say about certain parents out there. I do not feel that my family and true friends would think less of me if i wanted to be in the Deaf world, in fact they have been very supportive and encouraging me to achieve my dreams of attending Gallaudet. They may never be fluent in ASL, and only be able to communicate with me through SEE, that's fine with me, as long as they make the effort.
Also, I am a shy person in general, i do not make friends super easily. Hearing or Deaf, I am not really the type to just show up at a Deaf gathering and make friends, i have a bit of anxiety about that, but really should get around to doing that. In fact, i am working on going to Gallaudet in 2 years or so. Finally being a part of the Deaf community would mean a lot to me and I have been working towards that.
Yes, I do realize that i have a lot to do, and sort through, that's a big reason why I have this blog, to work towards my discovery of who I am as a Deaf person.
Ken - Thanks for reading :) You now know my plans about Gallaudet. I also plan on moving to Austin before i head to Gallaudet hopefully! I already have two Deaf friends who live up there and can't wait to meet them! :) Thanks for the encouragement.
Meghan - I'm glad you enjoyed :)
Brian - Wow thank you for the encouragement. I have actually thought a lot about writing, and have always wanted to write an autobiography at one point in my life. I'll have to take some writing courses and such beforehand though at Gallaudet. It'll probably be my back up major :) Oh and Zoée is my birth name :) My mom has good taste in names! Heh!
Zoe,
Indeed, I would think had you continued to remain at the deaf program, your life would have turned quite differently.
SEE is NOT part of Deaf culture. If you are "immersed" in Deaf culture, you would have realized that. SEE is basically ENGLISH. Sign language in SEE mode is just a support system to factiliate English language which is why most hearing parents prefer to use - it is hard for them to grasp the concept of ASL because of different grammatical structures and much more visual...SEE enables them to continue with their familiar English language with sign language to support their communication with deaf children. My husband's mom uses SEE even if my husband had dropped SEE a long time ago and has been using ASL since his early twenties. We understand - English is her language and she is comfortable with SEE as are most parents from my experience as a teacher. Very, very rarely do I ever see hearing parents use ASL. Most children in mainstreamed program naturally learn SEE because mainstreamed program do not support ASL because it is not English based in grammar and syntaxes and structures even if there are similiar words. Mainstreamed programs refuse to recognize ASL as a languagem so we see a lot of mainstreamed kids signing in SEE and thinking it is a language when it is not - they are speaking English with signing mode to support their English - that's all.
Even if your mom amd siblings use SEE (notice I said "use") I m still glad to hear she supports you and insists on members of the family to sign, no matter what kind of mode. Access to communication is important.
Well, I hope you do enroll at Gallaudet. I am a Gallaudet graduate.
Cyn,
Yeah i am aware of the differences of SEE and ASL and that in the Deaf culture, ASL is the language. Unfortunately I was not raised using ASL, i did learn some through friends, but never did master the language. I would really like to, and plan on taking ASL courses, but i do feel that the best way to become a natural ASL signer would be to socialize with other ASL signers, especially native ASL signers, and I would like to do that as well :)
I have said before and i will say again, ASL is much more beautiful than SEE, and i have tried to explain to my hearing friends why i think that way. But like you mentioned, it IS hard to get hearing people whose first language is English, to understand how ASL works, at the best, they simply view it as broken English, which as you and I know, is not what ASL is. When i said sign language was a big part of me, i don't mean SEE in general but communicating with my hands, no matter what language it may be, i use my hands and i will always use my hands to talk, and the method of communication through my hands is beautiful.
I have commented before to a friend how even in my first language [SEE], i often feel awkward... and when i sign to an ASL signer and convert my signing to the closest ASL i can do, which isn't that great but it's definitely different from how I sign to my family or hearing friends, i feel a lot less awkward and more able to express my emotions and thoughts, which has really shown me a lot about ASL vs SEE. I also do realize that ASL is it own language, complete in every way, while SEE is simply an English-based sign language, which is not exactly complete in every way, at all. I should know, I was raised using it! Heh.
Also, yes i did not realize SEE was not a language and was simply an English based language and a flawed one at that one, for a very long time, but i did realize this fact a few years ago once I started to do research on ASL.
Anyway, I'm sorry if i seemed a bit defensive or rude in my first comment to you. Your first comment just kind of hurt my feelings.
Zoe,
Was never my intention to hurt your feeling - it is just that from my experience that your story is typical and that many mainstreamed adults think SEE is a language in itself.
Well, I am glad you already know the difference! Many don't.
Yes, I am aware many hearing people have a real hard time understanding ASL's grammar and syntax rules and feel they are so limiting which in a part is true...for instance, there is only one sign for "beautiful" which is a hand going across the face but the English language has such a rich adjective words for the same word....and hearing people have trouble finding ways to define variations of that ASL word, "beautiful." What they fail to realize is there ARE the same rich "visuals" to define variations of ASL's "beautiful." English is sound-based and syntax-based while ASL IS limited in words but rich in visuals.
Anyway, I am sorry if I seemed rough but it was just a "sigh" because there are just so many of you out there. You outnumber the residential school students - we have no idea how many of you are out there kind of drifting, lost, isolated, confused, etc. BUT I am glad you don't seem confused and quite articulate and knowledgable about language. I am so glad to know that!
Cyn :)
That is so funny how you chose the word 'beautiful' for an example, because about two hours ago or so, i was telling my boyfriend about how there are ways to empathize the degree of beauty in a person even if the sign seems the same to the untrained eye, to the ones who understand ASL would be able to see the difference between "pretty" [which i think uses the 'same' sign as beautiful in ASL yes?]and "beautiful" and "friggin beaaaautiful!" which can be expressed by the facial movements/eyes/body action as you already know. I was showing Ethan how one would say "pretty" and "beautiful" while still using the same sign [hand across face] but including empathize of the eyes popping out and mouth dropping and so on.
Anyway just funny how you used the same example!
No worries about my feelings being hurt, i know it was not your intention, and I can understand the frustration to a degree. I'm glad we could see eye to eye afterall :) I definitely realize i have a long way to go though, just like I was telling my boyfriend, that i may know the difference between ASL vs SEE, i still have a lot to learn about ASL and am eager to. I'm looking forward to learning a lot more about the Deaf culture and in turn, discover who I truly am as a Deaf person. It's only a shame that I didn't do this earlier but... never too late?
Zoe,
Right on! It's never too late! :)
Post a Comment